Sunday, 14 August 2011
Various altered versions have been flying around the 'net, renamed The Rioter's Prayer.
Here's some of the altered versions (lines altered by the virtual looters in bold!)
Our father, who art in prison, only mum knows his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into
employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Spliff, the Blackberry & the Lager, forever and ever...Innit
Our father, who art in prison, even my mum knows not his name. Thy rioting done, you'll read about it in the Sun, in Birmingham much as it is in London. Give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us for being true wanker's, as we forgive those who got ASBOS against us. Lead us not to an employment situation but deliver free housing. For thine is the petrol bomb, the plunder & its glories, forever and ever...I'm a dickhead
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
London was yesterday troubled with a third night of rioting as masked youths ran amok, setting fire to cars and bins, throwing things at the police and generally acting like twunts. As if that wasn't bad enough, many of them are thought to have been wearing their trousers so low as to leave a significant percentage of their underwear exposed.
But what caused this outbreak of violence and stupidity? Investigators believe that the riots may have been organized using BlackBerry Messenger - that explains the "how", but what about the "why"?
Luckily experts here at All True believe they have found the answer. After literally minutes of thought, they have discovered what is almost certainly the definite cause of the behaviour that terrorised London last night. And that cause is CGI.
CGI is a medical and psychological disorder, and stands for Congenital Genital Inadequacy (it occurs only in males, though there is a female equivalent which is much rarer and known as CPS, or "Clown's Pocket Syndrome").
CGI is caused by defects in the developing foetus which massively retard the development of the genitals, causing the resulting boy-child being born with a penis so tiny that the child is often announced as being a baby girl, with the mistake sometimes not being spotted until several weeks after the birth.
While the physical aspect of this condition is very serious, it is the psychological aspects that come with it that lead to horrors such as we witnessed in London last night.
Those afflicted with CGI usually start manifesting symptoms such as violent tendencies and general dumb behaviour in their late teens, when they finally realise that no, it isn't going to get any bigger.
Psychologists have suggested that those with CGI try to compensate for the fact they don't HAVE big dicks by behaving as if they ARE big dicks, and it is that compensatory mechanism that is believed to have been the primary cause of the events that have shaken London over the last 3 nights.
In the light of this discovery, liberals have suggested that the low-slung trouser wearing thugs arrested last night could perhaps one day be rehabilitated through a proposed 5-year scheme in which leading penis pump manufacturers would work closely with the prison service to offer these offenders a route back to being decent members of society.
Those of more right-wing disposition reject this proposed rehabilitation project, and instead have demanded that the offenders be dragged through London behind police horses.
Here at All True we believe that a compromise between these two proposals is likely to be the best way forward - surely if we have them dragged through London *but by their nano-cocks* then they'll be punished and rehabilitated in one fell swoop.
*More on this developing news as we get it*